All my friends are having difficulties with their boyfriends or girlfriends. Fighting over things they shouldn't. Not talking to each other about issues and pretending like they will just go away over time.
One thing I learned from my previous relationship with J, is that things just don't go away and people do not change. By the time you're in your mid-twenties, you generally have established yourself as a person (although, some don't and that's okay). Most will treat each relationship they are in the same way, so no matter which person they are with nothing will change ever. You'll find it hard pressed to find someone who does, although I know it can happen.
So with J, the biggest key in our downfall was a lack of real communication. We never talked - ever. When we did, or I should say *I* did, I never got the point. I never directly told him what my issues were because I was terrified he would get mad at me and want to break up. Eventually, because I never got the answers I needed out of him, I went else where and in the end the lack of communication caused us to break up. Although he most likely never saw it like that, it's really what it was. Over the seven years we were off and on, I tried many times to let him know that I wasn't happy and he never did anything about it. The final attempt was July 2005 on a camping trip. I told him that if he didn't help me repair what was broken, we wouldn't last the year. And we didn't.
Before Deric and I got serious, I really talked to him a lot about the things that would need in the relationship in order for me to know that he was serious, and that would help make it last. I feel that without this conversation, we never would have been able to proceed the way we did and I would have most likely fallen back into my old ways of not being able to open up the way I needed to.
So here are the things I follow with D that makes our relationship so great. Although we've disagreed on things, that's very normal for anyone. But we've never screamed and yelled at each other ever.
1) Communication - Biggest factor in a great relationship. If you can't open up to someone and share how you are feeling about everything and anything, then that person is not for you. The change I found in myself with D vs J was insane. Right off the bat I could tell D anything. I was never afraid of what he might think or say because I knew no matter what, it would work out. You also need to respect the other person because if they come to you to talk to you, it may be about something they find difficult to bring up. Being a good listener plays a huge part in that.
One thing D and I always find time to do is sit down and make sure that neither of us have an issue to discuss. Often we may find something minor that isn't bad, but something that should be brought up or questioned. It's really nice to know that we can do this.
And no matter what, we never leave an issue unsolved. We never go to bed angry - EVER. If we're having a disagreement or anything, we stay up and discuss it. It does no good for it to continue on for the entire day.
2) Honesty - Clearly it's as easy as it sounds. Don't lie. If you feel the need to lie about anything, then question why you are in this relationship.
3) Trust - If you can't trust your partner, then there's a problem. You know you're in a good relationship when you don't worry about the other cheating on you. The thought never even crosses your mind.
Many men (or even women) will be very nervous about allowing their partner to go to another country to see a member of the opposite sex, and even stay in their home. Deric has not one issue about me going to Europe. Not a single problem. He trusts me. He knows that I love him, and I would never do anything to hurt him.
4) Being able to Forgive - Everyone makes mistakes. Large or small, it happens at one time or another. There may be a time where something may happen, and you will need to forgive your partner.
5) Time management - Everyone needs time to themselves. You need to be able to be happy on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship. I consider my marriage the "icing on the cake" you can say, in the life that I have made for myself. I never really understood that until I broke up with J, but I learned it quickly after we broke up, and helped make it my own reality over the last few years.
Although everyone needs time to themselves, it's important to make dates with your partner. D and I alternate who chooses what we do for date night. Sometimes it's dinner, sometimes it's a movie. So many different things you can choose from. Regardless, it helps us get out of the house and spend more time together. *I* of all people know what the internet (and video games) can do to a relationship, so I refused to let that happen this time with D.
I still feel the exact same way about him as I did over five years ago. It's wonderful to be able to have those same feelings for him. I've learned that relationships are hard work. Although I find this relationship a lot easier to maintain then previous ones, it doesn't change the fact that I still work at it each day. And D does too. Every single day, the first thing he does when he sees me after work is kiss my hand. I can't even tell you how romantic I think that is. I never asked him to do it, but he does.
I'm so very glad I was able to find someone who adores me as much as I adore them. It's such a wonderful feeling, and I hope that everyone can experience it one day.
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